Pbulished by Rahul Gupta for Prayag International's Anubhooti..
December 2, 2012……..THE
NIGHT…………..December 28’ 2012
It’s 3:30 AM...
Memories are like ants, no one knows
exactly how many remain in a house, but when one comes, each one start
coming.....one after the other.....
Still sensing that, perhaps, the last
call... I finished it hurriedly... for i was unable to continue the call...for
emotion choked my throat....I was overwhelmed with a sense of some feelings
which I am sure words are incapable of describing.
Tears perhaps cannot go a long way
with you...It dries when you need it the most at times and simultaneous it
rolls down your cheek when you need to hide them...
Today I opened my Pandora box of
memories....they were kept safe there in layers...some of them were cherished
well in good layers with a pleasant and delicate smell...though they were less
and others were unkempt.....stinking...
Don’t know... from where to start?
Emotions ablaze me...in these days, for the second time after the day of
survival from the accident, i felt so immense feeling.
Should i tell you about a one year
old baby who lost his father.....or a thirteen year old adolescent whose nights
were enveloped with tender sobbing of her mother in the damn dark silent
night......... or a young in his twenty, a rootless seed seeking his soil to
grow and DPS was a nursery...........
Unrequited, untold love is the purest
form of love. There is no pretence in that. Mom used to say, ‘Beta, grow up’
and i wanted to remain a kid...perhaps seeking my own childhood among kids at
DPS... that was my fault. Why did I not grow up? Knowing not today I have to
pay a big price. I wanted to act naughty like kids there, providing that i was
a facilitator there? Did i have the right?
9: 15 PM
I was on riding tears......
9:20 PM
Took my cell and typed the following
message. Here is an edited version.
“I don’t know what it was? But one
thing I can guarantee Rits, it was not what exactly you implied. Today is the
end of an era. You let me fall into an unfathomable hole, full of guilt
conscious. I am left broken, shattered into pieces, downtrodden, wretched, and
bottomless. No tears can make it up. It aches. What a fall! I can never love
myself anymore..uff..It aches.....Kahan jaun, Kya karun? I have lost myself, I
have lost you, I have lost aunty, ha!!! You won the bet the very first
day...congrats! You will not find me anymore for I have lost myself. Uff Rits
ye kya ho gaya
After passing it, I don’t know why I
waited for some time that some reply, some call will follow..... :‘(
9:30 PM
Knowing not what to do, I was feeling
extremely suffocation at the flat, decided to walk out only to encounter some
policemen enquiring the reason of my outing at late night. Huh!!
9:40 PM
Back at room, desperate, thought for
a moment to kill myself, grabbed the bottle of Heat (for I am none more an
entity than a mosquito now). But,
sudden the call of mamma reminded me her images in numerous and the ideas evaporated.
We watch movies and at some points of
time some characters seem so close to us. How close the music mentor of ‘SUR’
is to me or at time I feel how close I am to the master of ‘Black’ played by
Big B. Do I have an end now, or I am trapped, it seems to me now, in a long
unending tunnel as Alice
10:00 PM
I reminded all our memories with the
utmost care....... you were an innocent laugh...birds chirping....in fact my
adopted kid.... our fight.....and then make up and all that........
11:00 PM
Thought hard trying not to
think.......
12:00 PM
Images blurred.....
1:00 AM
It aches...... I have fallen down
from my own eyes.......
2:00 AM
It aches....... terribly......
3:00 AM
Went to meditation, got some peace.
Shit! Why did the idea not come earlier?
3:30 AM
I took the laptop out and thought to
jot down all my feelings....
4:30 AM
I have set the alarm at 9:30 AM...
thinking to inbox you this content tomorrow at the office.
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Rits, when it comes to me, I always wanted you
to sing like 6 C kids:
‘Behti hawa sat ha wo, urti patang sa tha wo,
Kahan gaya
Whenever not hearing from me,
but......... I became like characters from ‘BLACK’ and ‘SUR’.
Just one last thing there was nothing
self from my side between us.... it was pure, pure and only pure kind of
stuff........
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BYE take your best care, aunty has a son
other than Reetesh and will remain his son always.
